In just one night, United States Champion Santino Marella accomplished what no Superstar could in the past two years: He uncovered Hornswoggle as the Anonymous Raw General Manager. The Italian Stallion’s swift resolution of the case already gives him a better turnaround rate than Sherlock Holmes, Magnum P.I. and Inspector Gadget combined.
10 - This mysterious stone structure has confounded mankind for eons, and has been the subject of countless sci-fi yarns and conspiracy theories. Did aliens build it? The byproduct of a primitive civilization, perhaps? Viking overlords hoping to be mentioned in a Spinal Tap song? The true story of Stonehenge currently remains, lost to history, but if there’s anyone who can uncover this lingering mystery of the universe, it’s Santino.
9 - The Notorious B.I.G. once asked in song, “Who Shot Ya?” Santino could take Biggie’s words to heart and close two of the most famous unsolved murders in pop-culture history. Both The Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac Shakur were gunned down at the height of their popularity in separate incidents that were potentially connected through the infamous East Coast-West Coast rap war of the 1990s. Sounds like a case for WWE’s Grappling Gumshoe, and The Cobra.
8 - One of cinema’s more recent mysteries is whether or not Christopher Nolan’s mind-bending crime thriller “Inception” was all a dream. The film’s ambiguous final scene hints the heist flick might have all been in Leonardo DiCaprio’s head, and audiences nearly drove themselves nuts scouring the movie for clues. To save future generations the trouble, we say just call up Santino and let the Milan mystery-solver go to town. Unless, of course, Santino’s totem is The Cobra.
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7 - What exactly is the serpentine beast that lurks within the lake of the Scottish Highlands? Not to be confused with the Laoch Ness Monster (that’s a case for Sheamus, should The Celtic Warrior ever take up sleuthing over kicking people in the face, fella), this monstrous mystery could be the perfect opportunity for Santino to prove himself in the realm of beast-wrangling. Who knows? Maybe “Nessie” is the Cobra’s long-lost grandfather from before the Marella family immigrated to Italy?
6 – Perhaps the most infamous missing person of the 20th century, nobody has seen the notorious Teamster since 1975, when Hoffa was spotted outside a restaurant in Detroit. In the ensuing years, conspiracy theories have popped up as to where Hoffa – or his remains – might be hidden. If Santino finds him, Well, we’re pretty sure that’d be hard to top as a WrestleMania moment, but we don’t want to spoil any of The Milan Miracle’s ongoing investigations.
5 - So imagine “The X-Files,” but instead of Mulder and Scully, it’s Santino and a sidekick to be determined (Derrick Bateman? He seems like he’d be game) trying to uncover the mystery of the alleged UFO crash in July 1947. Sounds like the best thing ever, right? Yeah, we thought so, too. Tell Steven Spielberg we’re willing to sell the story rights.
4 – One of film’s most infamous McGuffins is exactly what was in that briefcase John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson were schlepping around in Quentin Tarantino’s “Pulp Fiction.” Lacking access to the bottomless pit of grindhouse-nostalgia awesomeness that is Tarantino’s cerebellum, however, we’ll leave it to Santino to pore over the script and film for subtle hints as to what, exactly, was making that shiny golden light. We wouldn’t ask him to do it if we didn’t think it could be done.
3 - Fans of the Attitude Era surely remember GTV, the “Candid Camera”-style segments that showed WWE Superstars at their most unguarded. The voyeuristic culprit behind the GTV initiative was never uncovered, and GTV itself faded into the ether of WWE history. But we say this: If it took Santino only one night to solve the Anonymous Raw GM mystery, imagine what he could do with a decade-old conundrum like this? Assuming Santino solves older enigmas faster, we’d be impressed.
2 – We hope Santino’s constitution is stronger than ours, because after seeing Trent Barreta haunt various WWE Superstars on “Z! True Long Island Story,” we’re never looking at those old Dude Busters matches the same way again. Should Santino get the itch to chase down the supernatural mysteries of the world, we’re pretty sure this would be a good one to get into the ghostbusting business with. Who you gonna call? Bro-st Dude Busters! SSSIIICCCKKK!
1 – Speaking of supernatural conundrums, here’s a great case for Santino to get his hands on: What exactly is in the urn that seemingly gave The Phenom (and, occasionally, Kane) his unearthly powers? We’re pretty sure this is the easiest one to solve; all Santino has to do is find Paul Bearer. The downside? There are an awful lot of freezers in America, and The Deadman’s former handler could be locked in any one of them at this point. The game is afoot!